YOU TRIED TO WORK IT OUT until you lost yourself in the process. You also became a different person. You were always jealous. You were always out of focus. You skipped meals. You even skipped work. You felt living had lost its essence because the person you built your world around was gone and you thought life was worthless. He was a dream come true. Everything used to be so beautiful. So you kept trying. You kept on believing. You hoped there’s still a chance. Because you were too blinded, eventually you died inside. Everything fell apart. All about you was a mess. You were broken into pieces.
You will miss the conversations. Old photos. Food you like to eat together. The hours you spend with him on the phone. The good mornings and good nights. The I LOVE YOUs. But don’t waste your time looking back at what you’ve lost. What is done is done. What is gone is gone. Closure doesn’t have to come from him. Closure is what you give yourself after all the heartbreak. Do not expect him to apologize. The only apology you need is the one you owe yourself for letting your heart break into pieces. The only conversation you need is the one with yourself. Let yourself know that you deserve better than this. And the only person you need to see again is the one you see in the mirror. Tell yourself you’ve been hurt but is still breathing, you were left behind but still standing, tell yourself you f*cked up and that’s your closure.
I was sleepless the night before you left. For some reasons I kept on checking the time. At first I thought, it’s because I was worried we both might oversleep and you might miss your flight. But then I realized, I kept on checking the time that night because I was actually counting the hours down unconsciously. You’ll be leaving in less than 12 hours and those were the most restless hours of my life. A couple of weeks back we both were so excited about our future. We both waited for this and God did really give the best to those who pray and wait. I remember you started searching for opportunities abroad exactly a year ago. You were turned down once by the exact agency who gave you a better offer a year after. We turned down a few offers as well and you almost signed a contract with one of those agencies, but I stopped you from leaving that one Saturday morning because I said that wasn’t the path we both wanted to take. I wanted to keep the family together, I know we can still reach our dreams together, no one has to leave. But you were persistent. As we always do, we brainstorm, we make plans, we dream together. We aim higher, because we both know we will soar higher.
December last year when out of the blue, the time you were not actively looking, God handed you, on your lap one great opportunity. You told me you didn’t even apply for it. I was amazed by how God works wonders in our life. I prayed, we waited patiently, and then God amazingly gave us what we’ve been waiting for. Everything went smooth. It was too quick I thought. You were supposed to leave late January, but because of some visa issues, it was delayed for two weeks. I guess maybe because like what I said on my previous blog about this, Maddie prayed so hard that you at least stay until her birthday. And God granted her wish. He really loves us like more than we could ever imagine. First week of February your flight was confirmed, thus we only have a week left. I was a bit anxious. I was in fact worried. We have never lived a life away from each other. Oh well, the last time you were away from us was during your training when you entered the BFP (Bureau of Fire Protection). But that was just for 3 months. This time it will be longer and you’re going to be miles away. And then again I prayed, Lord if this is your will; please let everything be in its proper place. Guide us each step of the way. Give us wisdom to understand what is unfolding in our lives. I know it is not going to be easy. Since December last year whenever we go to church every Sunday, I whisper only one prayer every week. That God makes us strong. That He makes us better person. And that He will be with us every step of the way.
Back to the night before you left. I got off the bed a few times and went downstairs only to realize I have no business there. So I went back upstairs and tried to sleep. A few hours back when we were packing your stuff I went to the restroom a couple of times and cried. I said to myself, this is really happening. You’re leaving tomorrow and I’m gonna be left alone, but of course I still have the kids, but you won’t be there anymore to help me raise our dream of having Godly kids. And during the times I was crying, I realized that strong women are sometimes also the weakest. They were once weak because they’ve been through a lot. And then they come out stronger, better.
We were heading off to Manila in the dawn of Friday, the 12th of February. At one point I asked you to slow down at bit with driving because at our pace we will reach the airport a little too early. And so you slowed down. I was pretending to be asleep but I was trying to absorb things and how it would actually feel when you finally boarded the plane and left us going home by ourselves. I even cracked a joke that I won’t have a driver anymore. Haha. Well, ever since you know I’ve been lazy to drive around and so you were always the one manning the stick. We reached our destination a few hours early and so I said there would be ample time for us to say our final goodbyes. We ate breakfast and I was all along trying to be lively and all, and you as well. We never thought we would come to a point that you would actually leave the country and work miles away. We were always together. We never left each other’s side. We had downfalls, we were once rock bottom but we always manage to get up because we always have each other’s back. We always manage to stand back up because we are always there for each other. And if there’s one thing I am truly thankful to you is that you never left my side. You never gave up on me. You made me realize how wonderful it is to have this family.
We were watching you when you were waving us goodbye. And then you went straight ahead I stood still. I didn’t move a bit. I was watching you walk away. I was crying. No, I was crying so hard that I couldn’t hear the world around me. I said how devastating could this get? And then… you were out of our sight. I slowly walked ahead with the kids. We were going downstairs and I was crying. I saw Maddie was crying too. This is it – I thought. We’re heading home all by ourselves. It took me like 15 minutes to start the car and absorb everything. I said this is real. I took the easy route going home. I was driving along the skyway when my vision was slowly being blocked by clouds or so I thought it was. And then I realized I was crying again. I was partly blaming myself for reasons I don’t know. But then I again I went back to remembering the thing I wrote on my previous blog, we have so much dreams and that’s what we are aiming for it right now. With just a little sacrifice, they will all come to reality. We may have everything we have right now but it’s not too bad to aim a little bit higher especially for kids’ future. This is going to be one tough year but for sure but I know we have the Lord with us every step of the way. And I want you to know, your courage is what’s keeping me up. You are just like others, one brave soul and for that I am your fan. We will be here waiting til the day we see each other again. I love you to the moon and back! Keep in touch! Let the split screen romance start now! #LakasMakaALDUB
If there’s one or two things I’ll teach my kids, I guess I’d tell them not to be afraid to make mistakes. I’ve been there, done that and it made who I am today. I may have regret a few things but in the end they all cover a lot of aspect in terms of the strength and character I have today. I will let them take on bigger responsibilities, so that they can maximize their full potential and be the best that they can be. If not for the mistakes I had, I would not have been this happy and contented, compassionate and forgiving, with positive attitude and high level of enthusiasm towards life. I’m not saying I’m the best mom in the world nor I’m a perfect person and all that, I wish I could be but what I’m saying is that I’ll just let them be the best they could be. Make mistakes, that’s part of the journey, it will teach you good values in the end, what’s certain is I’ve got their backs all throughout in whatever road they chooses to lead.
I have never imagined in my entire life that this would come to us. I never thought ever that we would be in this kind of set up. I’ve always pictured out this family together.
Thank God we most of the time get what we want, we go places, we eat wherever we want whenever our budget allows 🙂 we have a car, we have our own home, we have what we need, lux vacays… in our 10 years of marriage we went broke a few times, picked up and stood up higher, but I guess I can say on an average we live quite a comfortable life and I am truly grateful to God.
But it doesn’t end there. We have to aim higher, dream bigger. You have a heart for a family, a father who wants nothing but the best for his kids. Once day nga nasabi mo you want Maddie to go to La Salle, i laughed it out and said parang suntok sa buwan naman yon. But who doesn’t want to? All parents want nothing but the best for their kids. La Salle or not we promised to give them the best education there is. You are courageous, you are fearless and you are hopeful and for that I am your number one fan. We have a dream house, we have a dream car, a dream business, but above all we have a dream life – steady, comfortable and rock solid Jesus centered life. We have been through a lot, a marriage as young as ours has gone through so much. We’ve been there rock bottom, but because I have you by my side I’m always able to pick up, stand back up, dust off ourselves and move forward. We still have a lot to learn, we still have so much ahead of us. I know there is still going to be a lot that’s going to happen, but I am not afraid because I have you and the kids, and because of that I can keep going on.
We only have a few days left together. I know and I can feel it. My one last wish is for you to still make it until Maddie’s birthday – that’s her wish too. Just the thought of you being away from us sends shivers down my spine. I have always been perceived as a strong woman, yes, but times like this makes me feel weak. I find courage in knowing the fact that soon we will be together again, soon you will be home again and that our dreams are now within our reach. I pray to God that we find peace and guidance in everything we do. I pray that He will protect you always. I pray that He will make our marriage, family stronger. We will always be here waiting for you.
I hate to imagine the kids and I cry when it’s your time to leave but I know God is with us all the way! This is just another phase of our lives. Distance is not an issue because we have you. We won’t be separated forever, so until then let’s stay strong together. Ours is A Family Made out of Courage, Dreams and Love. We love you. We will miss you!